It’s the weekend. At last. Have a great one. And listen, it’s enough to say you’re getting older every day – you ought to love someone.

Love,

GUTFIRE!

All the love you need, at GUTFIRE! Magazine: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM

Look Michelle… we know we missed Valentine’s Day, but here’s something very pretty for you. Johnny Cash himself says he’s been singing this one since he was seventeen. What? Well no, Johnny Cash won’t keep us warm at night, that’s true. Alright fine, you’re right – he’d never have forgotten June on Valentine’s Day. What! Walk the line into a burning ring of fire? Oh grow up, Michelle – you’re being silly. Listen, it’s a poem. Hear it? It’s romantic, right? Beautiful, don’t you th-WHAT THE! Is that battery acid!? Damn it, Michelle! You know what? We forgot Valentine’s Day on purpose! That’s right. And know what else? Your tuna casserole stinks! No double meaning there – you’re a lousy cook! And another thing…

Remember the love, at GUTFIRE! Magazine: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM

Honesty may be the best policy, but lies make for more lasciviously harrowing music videos. Take this electropop voyage from Is Tropical, for example. We find vultures and a terrific beat, sure, but also a commentary on self-doubt, self-control, sexual liberation, sexual slavery, the dangers of consumerism, flamingos, fear of aging, the lack of positive male role models, the point of delayed gratification, modern martyrdom, the military-industrial complex, the cult of Debbie Harry, the quest for identity, the real presence of the divine, the urban-rural divide, the rise of the leisure class, the purpose of pleasure, and eagles, just to name a few things. What do you find? You can be honest. Or, don’t.

In any event, check out GUTFIRE! Magazine: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM

Look pal, we’re not trying to be harsh, but believe us when we tell you: you’re not in love. You might be head over heels in like, or you might have fallen deeply into lust, or you might even have a very cool postmodern convenience-of-joint-bank-accounts thing going, but you’re not in love. Want to know how we know? Because Yves Montand is in love. Yves Montand is in love with Mathilda. And she dances for him through his dreams.

Waltz with Mathilda at GUTFIRE! Magazine: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM

We’ve all been around the block a few times – some of us a few more times than we’d like to admit (and no, we’re not talking about that time at your folks’ place at Lake Winnipesaukee, Dudley – relax). What we’re getting at is that we all think we know things – like how to be forceful and tender at the same time – but what do we really know? For example, we knew Orangina was our favorite mildly carbonated orange flavored beverage, but only recently did we learn that the best way to drink Orangina is with fresh cigarette in hand, gazing out the window of a squalid fourth story Parisian flat pondering our recent string of moral mistakes. That’s the sort of thing we mean. Similarly, to learn that the proper way to tap into the cosmic magic of an old favorite is to listen to master Moog-er Isao Tomita explain his methods – in Japanese – before blasting us into interstellar overdrive, well, that was an eye-opener. So thanks for the good times Jiminy Cricket – and Dudley – but but we’re moving on. Join us, won’t you?

And check out GUTFIRE! Magazine: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM

We’re a little embarrassed to admit this, but we’ve tried everything. Eastern religion, cooking classes, massages, cleanses, toxifiers, essential oils, superfluous creams, glossy waxes, matte finishes, Tuesdays with guys named Morrie, Wednesdays with gals named Laurie, Thursdays with transgender individuals named Sam, everything. But the answer was right under our nose the whole time: Barbara Streisand. What do ?uestlove, Pharrell Williams, Yelawolf, Chromeo, and all the hepcats of the world have in common? Barbara Streisand. Why does the caged bird sing? We bet we know the answer. Could we have saved ourselves a lifetime of headaches if only Kristofferson hadn’t kept the good news to himself back in the ’70s? Yep. But then that’s typical… Bobby McGee my truck-driving *ss.

Barbara Streisand: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM

So, you going to Flash Lancaster’s party tonight? Probably not. How come? I don’t know – I…just miss my old confidence. Your old confidence? Listen, try this. That Guy Class? What’s this? It’s a great confidence boost, that’s what. It makes really cool dudes out of regular dudes, and party heroes out of really cool dudes. Thanks! You know what, I changed my mind – I’ll be there tonight. And I think I’ll bring a date! Hey, great! Maybe I’ll bring a date too. Ok, but your huge cold sore doesn’t count. Hey! Wait – HAHAHAHAHA! So I’ll see you tonight then? Probably not.

Win friends and influence people at GUTFIRE! Magazine: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM

The first of October already? Where does the time go? But then that’s a stupid question, isn’t it? We know full well where the time goes. It goes and joins the Peace Corps and ends up building schools in some underdeveloped country – at least that’s what it says on your resume, isn’t that right Bryce? – and then it comes back and goes to a top tier law school and makes a boatload of money and joins some young professionals networking group and gets a really good set of cutlery and an Audi and then asks out Jessica and ends up marrying her and having a bundle of kids with wavy haircuts and cool little blue jeans while we’re sitting here with our thumb up- oh…sure, I’ll have one more, but then I’d better go. I gotta drive.

The point is some things don’t make a hell of a lot of sense. Like this clip, for example, of Mr. Radiohead dancing to the band’s namesake. Or is it? Who knows? Certainly not us. But then we didn’t go to law school, did we, Bryce? Or join the Peace Corps. Please…as though it were the f-ing Marines! Listen, we remember when you got a bloody nose in Civics class, you twerp, and WE KISSED JESSICA FIRST! FIRST, YOU HEAR ME!

Think, ask, at GUTFIRE! Magazine: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM

Autumn is upon us, and ever thoughtful frontman of The Fall, Mark E. Smith, invites us to leave those hot summer days behind, glory in the color of the season for which his band is named, and join him on a tour of autumn foliage. Where? The North, of course. Why? Because of all the rioting. Why those? The economy, stupid. And the public school system. And the suburbs, maybe. And the economy. How did that happen? The Marshall Plan, I think. The future of the EU? Jeez…you ask a lot of questions. Listen, how about we just have some apple cider and enjoy the season.

Wear your fall colors at GUTFIRE! Magazine: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM

Before the Black Keys ever packed their leavin trunk, Taj Mahal surely did…

Which reminds us of the time we saw the Taj Mahal on our study abroad program. It’s a mausoleum, you know. We had a professor who was totally knowledgeable about Indian art and architecture, so it was such a fully organic lesson from the start, you know? Oh, Costa Rica? Yeah, we’ve been there too. We’re like, so passionate about tropical ecosystems, so that was like, totally crazy. How did we get there? Well this guy we met hiking in Cinque Terre totally offered to take us on his jet! He had all this Sambuca and stuff too… I know – crazy, right? But God, we love travelling. That’s why we love this song. And God, the blues are so…real, you know? Which reminds us of the time we saw the Blue Mosque…

Pack it up and leave it all behind, at GUTFIRE! Magazine: WWW.GUTFIREMAGAZINE.COM